Love and devotion have a downside too
The dad in the video
There's a funny video going around: a dad lying on the couch while a small child hits him with a stick. The caption says "when you're a dad to a daughter."
I'm the father of a daughter. I laughed, and then I thought: that's me. I've done the same things that dad does.
I see it differently now. All that devotion and love might have a downside. Not for the parent. For the child.
Where the "yes" comes from
I don't think many parents spoil their kids on purpose. Most of the time, we want to give our children what we never got ourselves. That's a good thing in itself. But it can also be a way of making up for our own childhood through theirs.
The trouble starts, I think, when a child begins to carry what the adult needs on top of what the child needs.
In another video, a mother called her son "the love that changed my life" and asked other moms whether there's a difference between raising a boy and a girl. The love is real, and I understand why she asks. But when we think of love, we mostly picture giving everything, sacrificing, saying "you're my whole world." It's beautiful. Maybe it's not enough on its own.
When the child grows up
Our idea of happiness leans heavily on childhood memories. What we felt back then becomes the yardstick. If the yardstick is "someone does everything for me," adult life can look small by comparison, even when it's good.
A daughter who grew up watching her father give in to everything might think that's what men are like. A son who grew up with a mother who looked after him constantly might think that's what being loved means, and expect the same from his partner. And many boys grow up feeling they have to prove their worth to the world. I think that weight comes less from a mother's love than from what society expects of men.
None of this is fate. Plenty of people choose the opposite of what they grew up with, and plenty break the pattern. But it's a path that can happen.
Imagine that daughter and that son grow up and meet. Both learned how to be loved. Few learned how to give love with the same effort. Frustration builds, and each one reads it as "I picked the wrong person." That doesn't explain every hard marriage. Money, health, how we talk to each other, plain luck all matter. It might explain part of it, and it's a part we can see.
If more and more people grow up expecting the world to bend around them, what happens to how we live together, and to the trust between us? I don't have an answer. It nags at me.
If there were lines
Picture another scene. The parents notice the urge to give too much, and hold back a little. They keep loving and keep caring. They just separate what the child needs from what they themselves need. Affection without excess, boundaries without coldness. There's no right amount. Asking "is this for them, or for me?" is what helps.
There are no guarantees, only tendencies: the strength to get back up after a stumble, expectations closer to real life, being able to give and receive, and a better chance of not repeating the cycle. Boundaries without love don't work, and upbringing isn't everything. But it's the part that's in the hands of the people raising the child.
Start with yourself
Lots of people say the world isn't in good shape. So why? Who makes the world? We do. People, society, families. Trying to make the world better by changing other people is the shortest road to disappointment. The only thing I can change is myself.
It's the same at home. A child isn't a tool for fixing my childhood. When I use my child as a way of changing myself, I'm handing over my own homework.
I'm not saying love less, or do less. Give love. Give kindness. Just one thing to watch: don't turn your child into your way of changing yourself.
I've decided to start with myself. DiaNorth was born in Hokkaido, for people who decide.
This is a personal opinion, not psychological or medical advice.
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